Pony Ride

Observed your twists, watched your silhouette form as you blocked out the moon
Watched it reappear behind you
Began to love seeing it disappear behind you
As I winced in pain
Began to crave it still
Though the pain was excruciating
Watching you ride on
Watching you
Craving you

You took me for a ride, you
Though I cried, you rode on still
Long enough
Hard enough
I just couldn’t, satisfy you
You reached over, and in the dark, feeling on my sheets
You grabbed her
And suddenly, I realized
I wish it did not take me so long
I wish I had known what I knew all along

I realized then
You are not the god I thought you’d be
Amongst the lowest of the low
Beneath the ground, underneath the earth
Crawling with the worms, though underserving of that
You wore the devil’s shell ever so well
Deceit at it’s best
You acted out the god I needed then
One hell of a mirage
Shatan was this man.

So on this day as I move through my daily routine
Washing the dishes, and fixing the holes in my walls
I realize, that I changed on the avenue that is you
I did, I changed, I did
Something within me was made anew
Something dark, deceitful, and blue

But the sun is out today
And the trees are begging in your name
Asking for a new breeze to be let through
The birds are chirping new songs
Nothing familiar; all new
And my face is dry, no more streaming
I am healed, the wounds are scars
I can speak your name without hate
I can sleep without dreaming everynight of the numerous ways you could be found dead at the street corner

Do you understand?

Somewhere along the way
I had stopped wondering what could have been
See,
Life took over
Time pulled me through
Somewhere along the way
I had forgiven you.


26/09/2011

This Introspective Language.

Quieter than a whisper
Far more solemn than a ballad
These interactions within myself
Quietly so, solemn so.
I was once asked
What language we speak
Both me and I, when we converse and…
I cant truly say I know
Because I don’t see myself uttering words
Telepathically, you may say,
I just say a hello
And I know, without a doubt, that myself too, is responding…

“hey ma’am, how you been since the last time we ‘seen?”

*Impending discussion*

One can only hope
That the tongue remains
The heart’s messenger
And that it relates
Verbatim
The queen’s words.

Time will tell then,
What will be said
What is felt
In the heart
Where I wish to be
My world.

The poet in me

This past month, has been quite eventful. So much so in fact, that I found myself thinking up words to write on here, on several occassions. However, I have also been so busy, that getting down to writting them, has been almost impossible.

Truth is though, some things are just better left unsaid, and some of the ones that came to mind, I just didnt want to have documented.

So instead, I ignore the feeling that dares me to grab a pen, and I just move on to the next thought instead.

The poet in me, is about to be given a voice. I feel it coming. I feel it coming.

Lioness Rising.

A snowflake
Spiralling down, falling over its masses while gently, tipping each out of place
As it makes it way down through to the bottom
As that 9 billionth flake it hit weak as it is, joins in
An avalanche, begins
All it ever took was a snowflake and that child downhill never did see it coming.
Unaware of the natural phenomenon of constant change taking place above he
Was busy skiing, who cares about the snow while you’re on it
Who cares about the little things that don’t matter... till they do
Truth is, poco a poco, little snowflakes of chances become big revolutions; avalanches.

A lady
Downright down on herself because the pieces just weren’t connecting
Or so she thinks as she reaches out to whoever would listen
Whispering embarrassing thoughts that had claimed her mind lately
A recognition surfaces
Never did take more than an outreach though almost deterred by fear of seeming insane.
That outreach of a freefall into some strangers’ hands because of some overwhelming thoughts
After sending an email blinding asking for help and some sort of guidance...in the dark,
Now, she has grown to have mad respect for intuitions, chances, and grace

In this century,
As the age of Aquarius concludes itself and we move into the Picerean times
I cannot help but feel nauseous, scared and uncertain
Feeling like the waterwaves have carried me and I am enthralled by the strength of it all
A state of uncertainty
As the world expects one thing and I too, accepts its control of me
I begin to see discrepancies between what I am, what I will and want to be
I begin to realize that my destiny isn’t as monotonous as what I am surrounded by
Slowly, I fall into an ambiguous state of fear for what is to become of this being

Serendipity,
An enlightenment in the form of a feeling that circled my temples
One that resettled my heart to its usual spot in my chest cavity
Finally, it can stop beating as if it wanted to exit this body
My heart is staying
I realize that this isn’t just me. I am not alone and neither will I be
There are other females, my age, and they too, are feeling thesame
As if these times need to be made over because they just don’t fit
Someday, the cookies will crumble just how we choose to orchestrate it...with love, and care

Equality,
A snowflake at age 6 of me saying no to feminine mind slavery; my avalanche had started
If I do not have children, I am sure that that would not make me unworthy of that four letter word
And if I didn’t choose to be a grain of rice in a white man’s plate, I would still be human
I’ll be the full plate of meal.
Tilapia fish and bokoto to boot because you see, in my mother’s land where I am meant to be, we do food like it should be
Nitoriwipe, emi ni omo oloke to mokee gun and climb I shall because I was born to shine
Edi ile ahun ni mi... if I did not walk the path that I choose, I would not be my mother’s daughter
That woman had a drive with a kick worse than these horsepowered rides
Maybe, this avalanche started before me... I truly am my mother’s daughter and she, her’s.


"...
You can call me by my name, I am ready to roll
Once the rules remain thesame, How the story's been told
Call me anytime, never cop out
Lioness is on the rise, dont you ever have doubt..."


Lioness rising,
I’d be unfair not to warn you of this tsuna-me coming
Carrying with me all that weight of guilt, doubt and fear of angering
Yes, it may seem wrong but sometimes we live right too long to realize we really should have left
I am retracing my steps to end up where I am meant to be.
This lion climbs
The Queen said it best so you may go ahead
Call me by myname as I begin to roll
And am not alone in this so climb we shall
You just picture it... a pack of lionesses, roaring on some hill
In our land, where we really, should be
Picture that, and you here that sound in the background?
Thats me singing our theme music roaring...



"...You can call me by my name, I am ready to roll
Once the rules remain thesame, How the story's been told
Call me anytime, never cop out
Lioness is on the rise, dont you ever have doubt..."







9:25am December, 29, 2010 (edited, Januray, 1, 2011 @ 0227h)
Re: convos with Tina Peperempe and Duuni of AZ

Beauty is.

I have blemishes on my skin
Nothin photo shop cant fix
And if photoshop could be real enough to be worn
Well, then I guess I could photoshop me some wear.

Make believe am pretty to make some up to my face
Make believe the skintone is well uniformed
So much so that it just glows

Matted, yet glows.

I'd draw myself an eyebrow that arched towards the sky and curved back
As if made a short visit to the stars
Said "hi" and bounced back
Make some stardust right under those so it'd look as if my bones were perfectly shaped.
Nothing like perfectly shape'd cheekbones to look as though
They were ornaments beautifully perched on my face
My skin would have no flaw...
Oh well, maybe a dimple or two but hey!
That would only make me look more beautiful.

Photoshop aint real though... so makeup it is.
Mac'it'up, Marykay till I look like the acceptable form of me.

Because it is a war out there, and aint nobody looking to get caught off guard.
Every step outside is a run into the battlefield and you want to give yourself a figting chance.

Your lipgloss better pop twice cuz once wont cut it.
Do the red lipstick thing! Hey... i hear shimmer lids are in.

Somedays when I get back from the club, I dont want to take my makeup off.
I look so good... I dont want to go back.

Truth is, I was never born with makeup and neither was I born with airbrush...
Somewhere along the way the idea that I was far from perfect got was allowed to settle in my mind.
To leave home without makeup is to leave home without armour.

Till this day though, I still refuse to edit my pictures out of shame.
Let it be known that I know where am from though sometimes, my memory sucks.

I am from a land where beauty resides in things unforseen, things seen, things perceiveable and short there of.
Where beauty is... is!
Beauty is!
It just is.
A place where beauty isnt what you want it to be, it is what it is and what that is, is.
Beauty lives within the air and in the soil it runs on, the hills it circles and the sky it breathes... so how dare i not be enough to face this battle?

Few months ago, I found myself caught off guard. I was on a trip and to be honest, I was scared shitless to realize that I had not my makeup with me.
My false belief in my beauty challenged my pride and there I was, in conflict.
Too proud to admit that I needed makeup, too afraid to deny that I didnt.
Do you see the dillema I was in?

Needless to say, I stepped out into that battlefield and well... the rest is history.

As I stepped out into this war the sun reflected off my glow. I heard a glisten roar as I shaded my eyes with these slender dark fingers of mine.It casted on my face found refuge in my skin it simply blended in and asked to be hidden. I laughed at the thought of that... all with my 34 teeth.
I heard someone tell me that I really neeeded to get my supranumeray teeth removed and well,as I said...this truly was a battle field and since photoshop couldnt save me then, I figured I`d best be ready to save myself.
Ego. Prrriiideeee is one powerful thing.
But really, I am yet to find a good reason to remove my teeth.
So there I was wondering what to do with these words when my thoughts faded into nothing.
Really, that is all it was. It really was nothing.
This person who seemed to care so much about the tools with which I masticate. Talk about minding my beez. Wonder if he'd care to comment on my bowels too since well... he seems to give a shit.

So with the gleem of my skin and this funny dude who wanted to personally assist me in knowing enough of my business... really, there was not much to war.

There I was fumbling for the guns that were to be the words flowing from the lips with which I'd `pow`pow` the world,...eventualy they'd fall in love with me, through my lips.

But... in between the many people who walked past me, unaware and the few who seemed to stare in inquisition, I realized that I had ran out of battles to fight.

Quite disenchanting to realize that there really was no war worse than the one within me.

There I was, outside, naked. Without arms, and no one even seemed to care.
Finally
I
was
free.

Puddles need love too!

Autumn evening after its rained.
When golden leaves meet the greens broken off branches by waterdrops
After the sun has sipped off some of the rain and outside isnt yet droned in darkness.
Just then.
Before my people have gotten up to rush briskly to their daily chores.
In between the late rush and the morning one...

Lies a time so supreme, it need not boast it.

I and my little friend love doing our walks,
watching the wet leaves glue themselves lazily to the puddles that hold them.

I like watching these.
And hopping over these.
And in some cases,
when no one is looking,
I'd jump right up, and land myself right in one of these puddles.

And I know its silly,
Even my little doggy walk-friend looks up at me funny as if to say
"you need to grow up, you silly goose!"
but why would I want to hop over a puddle,
when it was just there, asking,...pleading...begging me, to relish in its beauty!
I heard it say to me "puddles need love too" lol


I dont know what puddles are for, really.
But I like to use them as reminders
that I have feet, I have freedom, and I have life.


Matter of fact, I want to go outside to do a puddle search right this minute!

All hail this once-married-woman!

My first husband was a funny one. He had some thiefing tendencies but I was too naive to have integrity. I accepted the things he stole for me and well, that ended eventually.

You want to point fingers at me? Sit in your little circle and discuss me? Must be "Lets fix MissThang day". Today, you have decided to incur all your time and energy on me... you have gathered to spend your time Talking, making major suggestions about what I should do to fix me! Ha!

What a joke!

I TOO was married!

Flashing your hardly-blinging-by-some-sot-of-force-ring, telling me what it is like to be committed to he...

Little do you know that you are no better than I am.

I TOO was married!

My second hubby (or may have been my first, was it?) didmt last that long for sake of wasting too much of my energy, I made a quick run for it. Didnt look back, didnt cry, didnt...nothing.

But you wanna tell me about marriage!

"TIME's A TICKING"
"FIND A GOOD MAN QUICK"
Wanna tell me all this shit 'bout biological clock bullshit!

YOU FOOL!

If only you knew that we all get married!
And unmarried, and remarried, and redo the whole process 10x over!

We've all BEEN married! Open your eyes and look around you!

We all have done it, its nothing major.
You want to carry it on your silly rusty pedastle, you fool!

I was married to he, he to me. We ended it.
THen to him and he to me, we ended it!
Even married her and her to me and that too, done.

We all been married. Its no big deal.

You see it all the time. 5 minute, 2 months, 4 year marriages.

Pfft! please!

I've beaten those.

I've loved and been loved for longer.
Short of having kids, signing papers, and rocking rings, they too were perfect marriages till they ended.
But isnt that what a marriage is these days?
A commitment till we decide to commit-no-more?
I too, have been married so dont tell me nothing.